Can I Offer You Some Feedback? - Episode #56

Show Notes:

This week Sara shares a Business Bite with us about De Escalation. She describes a 5 stage process for understanding where someone lies along the lines of escalating behavior. Confusion, Frustration, Blame, Anger and Hostility. Usually no one intends to escalate someone's behavior. It’s important at the moment to look at each stage and the appropriate steps to take, to best support that person going forward. Subscribe today so you never miss an episode!

Below we are offering a transcript of the podcast for accessibility and reference.

Episode #56: Business Bites: De-escalation

Welcome to Business Bites. My name is Sara. This is the podcast for busy professionals who want the quick hits of business terminology, historical context, and strategies for integration. This week we're going to be talking about de-escalation or managing escalating behavior. When we're talking about de-escalation or escalating behavior, we're usually focused on the other person in our conversation, whether it's a client, a customer, a patron, someone else who we are trying to have a conversation with or trying to get something done with.

When we're talking about escalating behavior, I typically use a five-stage process of trying to observe where this person is along the lines. The first level of escalated behavior is confusion. When we're talking about folks sitting in confusion, this is where that individual perhaps is distracted. They don't understand what's going on in the situation. They don't know why the thing, whatever that thing is, is not going their way. They're unsure, they're uncertain about the outcome, and that can be a real barrier for them to even begin to hear you.

However, this is our opportunity, when that individual is sitting at the stage of confusion to listen to what their concerns are, to ask clarifying questions to better understand how can I help you, and to provide them factual information. Again, no one likes being confused, and it's our opportunity here to think about how can I help that person get the information that they need.

If the person has passed confusion, they're likely into frustration. When we're talking about frustration, this is where the individual is starting to actively resist the information that we're sharing with them and pushing back a little bit more clearly on why are we saying the things we're saying? What is the nature of the things that we're saying? Or perhaps they're picking on the specific words that we're using and twisting them a little bit to fit their narrative, to fit the way they think things should be done.

Our opportunity here when we're thinking about this person sitting in this stage of frustration is, yes, of course, hearing them, asking those questions, but this is our chance to try and demonstrate our sincerity in wanting to help clarify their concerns. Perhaps it might sound something like, I'm just trying to help you, or how could we make this work? This is our opportunity even to move the conversation to either a quieter setting, a different location. If you're on the phone with that person, perhaps taking a break and putting them on hold, of course, with their permission. This is a chance to help cool down the conversation before it gets to the next level.

Now, if they've passed frustration, they're well into blame. This is the third stage in the escalated behaviors. And when that person is sitting into blame, they are trying with all of their might to make it not their fault, to not take accountability in the moment for whatever the behavior is, whatever the situation is, and trying to hold other people or other parties responsible for what is happening to them.

Perhaps they might say things like, well, no one told me that I needed to do this, or no one shared with me, or I didn't understand, or that was not clear to me. Again, that's that blame orientation of pushing the accountability and responsibility to someone else.

Our chance here when we're thinking about blame and some of our potential responses might be, this might be a chance where we need to step back, perhaps bring in a colleague, bring in a manager, bring in another person who might be able to assist that person better. Because now it's just me versus you. It's us versus the problem. We're trying to help you. This is a team approach to what the issue is.

Perhaps this is a chance for us to dig in a little bit deeper with the curiosity, what's going on that they feel this? Why do they feel the specific way? How can we help them see maybe a different perspective? And we might be able to work with them to help pull out some different ways of doing it.

If the person is past the blame stage, they might have already left into anger. When we're talking about anger and this particular phase, this is where a judgment call is required. Folks typically, when they're sitting in anger, this is where we're seeing shouting, pointing, pounding of fists. This is a lot of internal expression, right? The person is doing it themselves, where they're indicating their extreme frustration with the situation, right? We're well into anger.

Now, I said judgment is call required because depending on what the person is sharing, what they're screaming about, what types of names they're calling, you may decide we need to end the interaction now. Certainly, that's appropriate. Most folks in leadership that I talk to say their employees' safety is what matters first. And so if you have, let's say, a no-swearing policy, if your customer or client is swearing at you, you can provide them that warning that you're going to end the interaction, and then do so if they continue the behavior.

But our chance here is to let that person decide, we are making the judgment call. Am I going to let this person vent? Are they doing it in a safe way? And if not, I'm going to end the interaction. This person who's escalated into the stage of anger is not interested in our solutions. They are not interested in our problem-solving. They need to just get it out. And it's for us to decide whether or not it's safe for them to do so.

The fifth step in this process, or if they've passed the stage of anger, is hostility. This is where this person is physically manifesting the anger, the frustration, the escalated behavior that they have. This is where maybe they're throwing something, pushing something, moving a chair, or pushing over a table, etc. This is where we're seeing a physical manifestation of that frustration. Now, this is completely out of control behavior and very much that individual has crossed the line.

When we're talking about this physical action, again, judgment call required, it might be nine times out of 10 where you decide to disengage and evacuate from the situation. Hopefully, you can isolate that person, help keep others safe in that space, and again, you might need to document, of course, after the fact.

Now, the reason I've said judgement call is here, is that some individuals, depending on their role, depending on their industry, may have specific training that allows them to safely intervene. What I mean by that is perhaps they have learned techniques or strategies around providing safe holds for individuals. An example might be, let's say you are a teacher working with students in a setting where some students may have a physical response to an activity, or you work in a nursing home and you are providing care to patients who require care, but are unwilling in the moment because of, let's say, a mental health issue.

There are specific holds or different techniques, which those individuals have been very well trained to use in those situations in the event that they do need to safely restrain someone. I'm including that judgment call there because again, depending on the situation, depending on your training and expertise, you may be able to handle an individual who has escalated to the point of hostility, but again, your safety is paramount.

Now with each of these stages as we've gone through them, confusion, frustration, blame, anger, and hostility, the most important thing for us to realize is our own behavior as a part of this situation. Certainly, we're not intending to escalate anyone's behavior, we're not intending to provide anyone with an experience where they're getting angry or frustrated or going into blame, but it's important for us to realize that that person may be reacting to things that we don't even know.

And so, in the moment, as best as we can, when we're thinking about escalating behavior and those individuals, it's helpful to look at each of these stages and the appropriate steps that we can take in order to best support that person going forward so that both of us can maintain the interaction, maintain the conversation and both keep ourselves safe.

This has been Sara with Business Bites. You can reach me at podcast@mod.network. We would love to hear from you on what other terminology you'd like bite-sized. As always, give us a quick rating on your platform of choice and share this podcast with a friend. We'll see you next time.